SCENE 1. INT. EXTRAS
AGENCY
Two months earlier at extras agency
registration. Couch and chairs in front of a TV. About eight of us sitting
waiting, two of them in army outfits, couple of fierce Irish looking people
too. Got to talking to girl beside me, a fellow Dub. Guy starts to call the register:
Irish name after Irish name.
Guy:
Some of you are here
cause you have army costumes, and some of you are here cause you’re Irish. They
are going to be shooting a period drama set in Ireland . Apparently starring the Fastbender
(sp is wrong I know) in the movie about Coocoolin (again)….oh shit I shouldn’t
have told you’s that.
Needless to say this news went
straight to my head
SCENE 2. INT.
JOE’S VAN, SOMEWHERE ON THE 406 GOING WEST. 6.30AM
I finally googled the film name that
the extras agency kept quoting in texts and emails
Feck! All this time I thought that
the silly name was code so they could keep the Coocoolin film secret. No
Fastbender. Disaster.
SCENE 3. EXT. TRAIN
STATION SOMEWHERE NEAR OXFORD
Waiting for a lift to the set. There
was an Irish looking girl waiting outside the station too, we got to talking. She’s
really an actress but will be an extra today. Her name’s Mary. A little further
down there was a guy with a ginger beard waiting too. A mini-van pulled up and
we all got in
SCENE 4. EXT. FILM
SET.
Loads of modern looking mobile homes
about but we got brought around to a double-decker bus kitted out with tables.
Beardy guy tried to introduce himself to the lads that brought us around but
they weren’t interested.
Breakfast. I went for muesli, toast,
yoghurt, a fruit salad, coffee and an orange for later. Me and Mary sat
opposite each other, he sat towards the back. We just got started on breakfast
and then got called away.
SCENE 5. EXT. OUTSIDE
HAIR AND MAKE-UP MOBILE HOME.
Brought over to talk to hair and
make-up lady. Someone handed us a sheet of paper each and the hair and make-up
lady was full of chat about what she was going to change about Mary and beardy
guy.
Beardy:
Hi, I’m ____ by the
way, I usually work on blah blah blah
Make-up lady:
Yeah I have been
looking at your picture and have a few ideas about what I’m going to do with
you
To Mary
And I have some ideas
for you too
Me: (under my
breath)
But…but…I’m in the
film too
Mary looked at me as if to say maybe
I should say something. We walked back towards the bus.
Mary:
I got fairgoer, what
did you’s get?
Beardy:
I’m a stall holder
I looked at my sheet for the first
time, scanned the page for something relevant and then there it was: “John’s
friend.” Needless to say this went straight to my head. Art imitates life. Who the hell is John? I
can’t believe the trained actress and the lick are just lowly old fairgoers and
stall holders and I’ve got an actual part. This is intense, what if I get a
line? I can’t believe it.
SCENE 6. INT. DOUBLE
DECKER
Five young ladies in nurse outfits
came in and sat down. They were chatting away and laughing about the state of
the costumes they had to wear. Not an Irish accent between them. A normal black
outfit nun in her fifties and a nun in an all white outfit followed them and sat
across from me and Mary. Black nun diagonally across from me was very giddy
about her costume and kept trying to adjust it but it wouldn’t stop sticking up
into her chin when she was sitting down. She was rolling around the seat trying
to get comfortable and laughing away. Mary joined in. It was just a very funny
scene. Mary couldn’t stop herself now; was trying to say something to the black
nun but kept laughing over the words.
Black nun:
What is it dear? You
can tell me anything
I had a few laughs over my yoghurt about
that and similar banter
White nun:
How’s the tailoring
going?
Me:
What? Ah it’s
yourself, didn’t recognize you behind the outfit there, what’s the craic? Have
you got a proper part yeah? How did that happen?
White nun:
Yeah, right after we
registered that day they rang me up and asked if I could come in for a week of
filming. Then they stuck this nun outfit on me and got me to walk around in
front of the camera all day, it’s great
Me:
Ah wow, that’s great
Little did she know that behind the
smile I was pretty pissed. Why didn’t I get called up for a week? What a joke. Luckily
I got called over to costume and make-up so didn’t have to stay and pretend congratulate
for much longer. You get paid £19 if they cut your hair which is handy cause
I’m in need of a trim. I grew out my pathetic beard too as much as possible
just in case they pay you for a shave. I hope it’s a proper barber’s shave,
never had one of them before.
SCENE 7. EXT. OUTSIDE
HAIR AND MAKE-UP MOBILE HOME
Beardy guy was chatting to hair and
make-up lady. I felt an annoying chatty mood coming on: a rare occurrence.
Beardy:
…Honestly, I need to
keep my hair the way it is in order to keep getting parts. If you want to take
an inch off the back though that’s alright
Make-up lady:
No you’re fine, we’ll
leave you so. Ok you next
She checked out my head
Make-up lady:
We’ll bring you in
for a chop now. Why didn’t you shave?
Me:
I have to warn you, I
lose 5 to 10 years when I get a hair cut and a shave at the same time.
Make-up lady:
You’ll be alright. Wait
hang on, turn around. You might be fine actually, just need to sort out the
sideburns, come on inside.
SCENE 8. INT. HAIR
AND MAKE-UP MOBILE HOME
Me:
You know I’m John’s
friend right? What does that mean (for my hair)?
She stopped cleaning the blade and
turned to me, looking serious all of a sudden
Make-up lady:
(in a sinister voice)
You’re dodgy
She clipped a tiny bit off the back
and sides and then started on my side burns but got a bit carried away and went
way too high
Make-up lady:
You’re meant to come
here clean shaven, make sure you do on Saturday
Me:
No one told me to
Make-up lady:
But that’s what it’s
always like
Me:
Well this is the
first one I’ve done
Make-up lady:
Well you need to be
clean shaven with clean hair
Me:
What’s clean hair
mean?
Make-up lady:
It means wash your
hair the night before
Me:
But my hair gets all
bouncy and out of control when I wash it
Make-up lady:
Don’t worry, we can
sort that out
She scalped my side-burns 1950’s Limerick style and then they took a couple of photos.
Costume was quick and painless too.
Then I walked back towards the bus. Some girl led me there and I felt like my
day was about to end
Girl:
Did you get a hair
cut?
Me:
Nah not really, she just straightened
my sideburns. Oh wait…I mean yeah she took a good bit off the back and sides
too.
Girl:
Ok we’ll put you down
for a hair cut, here keep this
She handed me my sheet, £70 for a couple
of hours eating food and standing around, I think I’ve found my dream part time
job
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