SCENE 1. INT. BIG
TENT. 10AM.
Saturday morning, further out than
where we were the last day. It was the weekend in January before the weekend it
snowed so it was freezing. My one day of filming but it’s a night scene so we
don’t start shooting til 5pm. About 70 of us sitting on benches waiting around.
Some guy who looks
like he’s in charge:
If you could all look
at your sheet and start thinking about your character. If you are smart you
might start thinking what it was like, what was my character like.
All it said on most sheets was
‘fairgoer,’ how can you become a method extra based on just that snippet of
information?
This is a very
important scene in the film, it’s the opening scene: a night scene set at a fairground
in the summer, and you see Judy’s character 19 years old and she meets a young
guy and they end up well, getting together. And this sets in motion what happens
for the rest of the story. Em, if everyone with a green tick on their sheet could
you come up and get breakfast first and then everyone else follow after.
I knew from the start that that green
tick meant something, I fucking knew it.
I could feel the envy burning into my
back as I collected my sausage and eggs with 7 others: 3 other guys and 4
girls, all very young looking. Then it clicked: because I thought I was going
to be in a movie with the Fastbender I put down on my profile that I would do
nude scenes to get more roles. I had also put down that I could play anything
between 18 and 22. It all made sense: there are probably not a lot of Irish
teenagers in London
and I was the youngest looking they could find. I look 19 but I have that
maturity you only get with age that they’ve obviously singled out as something
they need for this production, and now here I am nailing the part for the most
important scene in the film. Ha ha ha! I can see it now, John has 4 mates, Philiomena
has 4 mates and we’re all egging them on to do the dirty. My face will be there
front and centre and a little to the left pointing at her, go on John, shift
her bye. Fuck, I should have gotten into acting before.
I sat down with my breakfast next to
a group of older guys in their 50’s and 60’s. One guy was doing all the talking
and every now and then he’d sing “pleased to meet you, hope you catch my name.”
He was talking at length about different accents, apparently he studied them.
Accent guy: (to
one of the old guys, speaking very fast and very enthusiastically)
I like all the
accents: Jamaican, Welsh. You’re from Liverpool
are you? Liverpool is a very tiring accent to listen to but you have a great
speaking voice, in Dublin they say ‘turn’ like
this but in Liverpool they say ‘turn.’ See,
you’ve dropped a tone. Have you had elocution lessons? You must have…….Are you
religious? I’m a huge Elvis fan man, there’s only one God in my life and that’s
Elvis Presley. The King. Oh yeah, I’ve seen people crippled, in wheelchairs,
and getting up out of their chair to touch the man, that’s a real miracle. I’ve
seen him twice you know. Down in Memphis
I was on a bus and this black guy got up and said “what’s the name of that
song: caught in a trap?” and then we all started singing: “we can’t go on
together, do do do do do,” it was great fun. I went to his grave and I broke
down and I cried and cried. I cried like a baby. I was at one of his concerts
and I reached up and touched him and he gave me his scarf, I got beaten up for
that scarf but I pushed it down way down and ran to the back. At the end he
said “hey, where did that little guy go who I gave the scarf to?” He wanted to
know if I was OK but I just got out of there as fast as I could. Pleased to
meet you, aw yeah.
Then the 8 of us got called into
costume first. There was a red haired chap, early 20’s from the whest of Ireland , and
two 18 year old English lads: one had an Irish name but the other was as
English as can be. 2 of the girls were dizzy 16 year olds, the other 2 were 18.
They all had Irish first or second names but that’s as Irish as they got. Only
myself and the red head were Irish. If there’s a line going surely I’ve a 50%
chance of getting it now. “Go on John, shift her!” The costumes looked really
well, us four lads could have been a 1950’s boy band: Ed Sheeran’s granddad,
Harry Stiles’ granddad, and two other ones.
They kitted me out with this massive over coat to keep me warm in any
weather but later on the head costume woman came around and took it off. I was gutted, and about to be cold.
SCENE 2. INT. HAIR
AND MAKE-UP
On a chair in front of a mirror with
lights around it getting my hair sprayed and my hands covered in fake dirt
Chinese hair
stylist:
You have good hair.
You are quite smart aren’t you?
Me:
I guess
SCENE 3. INT. BIG
TENT.
Lunch.
Ed Sheeran looking
guy:
Two free meals and
all I’ve done is gotten dressed, sure this is great, apricot crumble and
everything.
SCENE 4. EXT.
FAIRGROUND.
We got brought down to the set to be
shown around, just the 8 stars. It was freezing cold and fairly breezy so we
stood in a stall out of the way. Someone came around giving out hand and foot
warmers. A couple of people passed cause we’d only been in the cold a few
minutes but I got four. When the rest of my body and face are froze to death at
least I’ll have warm hands and feet. They were rehearsing and asking for quiet.
Steve was banging around braving the cold in just a suit jacket.
Me:
I don’t believe it.
Ed:
You know what he’d
love? If you went over and shouted ‘Aw hawww’ in his face, he’d love that. Have
you seen Moone boy? Touchy feely, gas
Then came the big break, we were on
the way back up to the tent and some assistant director (AD) asked for 2 people
to come back for a rehearsal. For some reason I didn’t volunteer
SCENE 5. INT.
MINI-VAN.
Everyone left for the set but then an
AD told the 8 of us to wait in the van. We weren’t needed til later so it was
best to stay in the van and keep warm. We were the special ones. One of the 16
year olds was last to get in. She had a smoothie in her hand. Where did she get
that? Somehow she managed to trip up in a small mini-van on the way to her seat,
and fall and not put her hands out to protect herself. I stretched my left arm
out in the direction she was falling but I guess I didn’t put much effort in
and all that really happened was her face slapped my hand and pushed it into
the seat two seats over from me. She lay there for a bit, not really knowing
how to get up. Eventually someone helped her. Then she talked and talked and
talked. Never heard so much shite. The red head guy called her a gobshite and
asked her if she’s from Pluto.
Some AD opened the door and popped
his head in.
AD 3:
I need two couples
for the next scene, who wants to do it? Let me see, who would look good
together…
I sat there like a rabbit in the
headlights as he picked the 4 people nearest to him. Another missed
opportunity. The red head was gone. The gobshite was left.
Gobshite:
What age are you?
Me:
28
Gobshite:
Are you married?
Me:
Yeah, 2 kids at home
too
Collective:
Awwwwwww
Me:
Nah I’m only messing
Collective:
Aw
Gobshite:
So you have a
girlfriend?
Me:
No
Gobshite:
Why not?
English guy:
Man you should come
out clubbin’ with us innit
Other girl:
Yeah, we’ll get you
someone
Too much talking. I went out for a
smoothie and a walk. They had this cool chipper van shop hidden away that had
smoothies and lollipops and hot drinks and loads of stuff that you felt guilty
about not paying for. I stocked up. Eventually I got cold and had to go back to
the van and face up to the unbearable conversation for who knows how much
longer.
All the working extras came back past
the vans and into the tent for a break. Ed got in the van.
Ed:
Where have you’s
been? They’ve been filming for ages and we’ve been walking around in the shot.
Not properly in the shot but you know if the background somewhere, you’s should
just come down and get in. We’ve a break for 5 minutes then I’m heading back.
It was almost 9. Surely we were going
to get called down for the big scene soon. We hung on a while longer then
enough was enough. I couldn’t stand listening to conversations about school and
homework and boys any longer. Me and dopey drawers marched down to the set.
SCENE 6. EXT.
BEHIND SET.
Had a little look but they were
filming so went to a tent behind the set where someone was handing out curry in
a cup. Would be rude not to. The Elvis fan was there burning the ear off
someone
Accent guy:
...yeah I met The Who
loads of times man...
I went back and forth to the edge of
the set a couple of times grabbing food and drinks off the people handing them
out whenever I could. How can actors concentrate on acting for take after take with
all the stop start messing going on and tons of extras hanging around slack-jawed
munching on food in the background? I could imagine them filming the 17 minute
scene in Hunger when The Fastbender is talking to the priest and then some dopey
drawers extra tries to get a look in behind the camera and trips over and ruins
the scene 16 minutes in. The Fastbender would jump up and dick-slap the guy in
the face.
SCENE 7. EXT. SET.
BEHIND CAROUSEL TO RINGTOSS
The scene ended. Mary was there. I
went over to chat to her and then some AD came over and told us we were to walk
arm in arm over to the ring toss for the next shot. Wait a minute, are you sure
I’m meant to be in this scene with Mary cause if they see me walking with her
now and then I’m with one of Philiomenas friends later it won’t look right. I’m
one of John’s friends you know.
Mary:
I’m a hussey, I was
just holdin’ hands with another guy by the fish bowls in the last scene
Me:
I shouldn’t even be
in this scene, I’m John’s friend, you know
We walk over to the ring toss. Greet
stall holder. Hand over imaginary money. Smile. Pick up rings. End of scene. Put
down rings. Unlink arms. Walk back over to beginning spot.
Director:
(voice from somewhere)
One more!
All the assistant
directors:
Reload!
I was deflated. I shouldn’t be in the
background like this, I was destined for the foreground. I felt like shouting.
Why isn’t anyone making a fuss about me? I’m John’s friend! John’s friend!!
Wait a minute, was that a Pakistani guy wearing a sombrero in the stall next to
the ring toss? What the fuck is going on here, it’s meant to be Ireland in the
50’s, I need to talk to the director.
SCENE 8. EXT. SET.
BEHIND CAROUSEL TOWARDS HOUSE OF MIRRORS
Suddenly everyone had descended on
where we were standing behind the carousel. There was a camera crew to our left
in the direction of the ring toss. And there was another one on our right that
would pan across from the right side of the carousel towards us. Behind them
were a couple of screens playing each take with the director, first AD, and a
load of randomers looking on. They did a few rehearsals. The main couple were
to walk from the house of mirrors at the far side of the carousel along the
left side to the exact spot where we were starting from. That was the scene, a
20 yard walk. It was one person’s job to take big warm jackets off the couple
at the start and then run around and put them back on them when they got to the
end point. Meanwhile me and Mary had to pass the camera just when the carousel
was in the way of the couple to fill the space and then disappear out of shot. Pretty
much just the right side of my head will be on screen. Of course we had to mime
to each other as we passed the camera and pretend we’re a couple and all. We
had one AD all to ourselves telling us what to do. He’d hold the back of my
jacket until the right moment and then let go and I’d have to walk by the
camera while he got out of the shot. No one told us what to do once we got past
the carousel though so we’d wander around aimlessly til we heard cut.
Director:
Action!
John: (in a
bog accent)
I like your dress,
did you make it yourself?
Philiomena: (definitely
not in an Irish accent)
No, my mother did,
she also told me not to talk to strange men.
Our AD:
(whispering)
Hold on...hold on...ok
now go!
He pushed me off, I pushed Mary off
and we walked by the camera. Shit, better think of something to mime
Me: (miming)
Hey, eh look at that,
you want to eh….
John:
Sure look at your man
over there; he’s a rope for a belt
Director:
Cut, one more
AD’s:
Reload
Our AD:
Ok this time maybe go
a little slower and Mary you need to go in front of him a bit or we can’t see
you on the screen. So you have to be turning back and looking at him. And smile
more, you’re a couple, are you’s a couple in real life?
Mary:
(deadpan)
Yeah
Our AD:
Well then it should
be easy, OK let’s do it again
Director:
Action
We did it again, I tried smiling a
bit more, same mumbly nothing mime again though. But it was more than Mary did,
she wasn’t miming a word. And she a trained actress.
Director:
Cut, one more
Our AD:
OK, we aren’t getting
any chemistry from you. You aren’t really miming; you need to really look like
you’re having a conversation. And look like you’re in love. When the camera
comes across here you two are taking up the shot just before we see John and Philiomena.
We see one love story and then it leads on to the other couple over there, so
we need a bit more from you guys.
Director:
Action
Our AD:
(whispering)
And go
Me: (miming,
in John’s accent)
I like your dress,
did you make it yourself?
Shit I can’t use John’s lines. If
this makes the cut you’ll hear John saying it and then see my dopey head taking
up the whole screen miming the same words straight after.
Director:
Action
Me: (miming,
in John’s accent)
Sure look at your man
over there, he’s a rope for a belt
I just kept doing it, I couldn’t
think of anything else to say. Then it came to me. There’s a girl in my class
from close enough to Limerick . One time in
class I said something to her and she said “don’t hate the player, hate the
game” in her little culchie accent and then I impersonated her and we had a
right laugh so we did.
Director:
Action
Me: (in a shit
girls Limerick accent)
Don’t hate the
player, hate the game
The more I did this the more I’d
laugh internally and smile externally and then Mary would turn her head back to
me and flash a smile and I’d be pulling on her arm playfully telling her about
player hating. It would look like I really know how to make her laugh and this
would make me smile more. Then she’d smile more. Young love. This is
believable. Are you getting this?
Director:
Cut, one more
Our AD:
Perfect, just keep
doing it, it looks great on the screen
Me:
Hey do you know
anything about the scene with John’s 4 friends and Philiomena’s 4 friends?
Our AD:
What?
Mary:
What are you miming?
Me:
Don’t hate the
player, hate the game. It’s the only thing in a Limerick
accent I can think of.
Mary: (looking
behind me towards the tinkers yard)
Well there’s a horse
out there
Director:
Action
Me: (miming)
Fuck your Honda
Civic, I’ve a horse outside
Mary: (miming)
Oh is that your
horse? Nice
I tried this a couple of times but
didn’t like it so resorted back to player hating. We had a tea break and then
for the last few shots they had the camera on a little train track. It cut
right along the corner of the carousel though so we couldn’t get past. There
was a couple of people who walked behind us and all four of us would pile up in
a corner between the train track and the carousel after we passed the camera.
We’d all just stand there looking straight ahead, afraid to turn around and
ruin the shot. Finally we did do one last take and I was talking about player
hating during it. If I make the cut, that’s what I should be miming if my mouth
is in view. What will definitely be in view though are my super short Limerick side burns. How did the hair and make-up lady
know?
SCENE 9. EXT.
BETWEEN TAKES
Between takes Mary started to
complain about the cold. I had trousers, cycling trousers, big boots and a
couple of pairs of socks on but all the girls had were a skirt, a pair of
tights and a crappy pair of shoes that left a lot of the foot bare. Too small for foot warmers, too cold for no
foot warmers. And they were freezing. She was one of these people who can’t do
angry though and just sat there and sucked it up instead of telling someone who
could do something about it. I cant for the life of me understand why she sat
and watched every single take she wasn't in though, I was off every 5 minutes
getting something to eat or drink, going back to the van to sit down or
huddling up in the tent. Apart from getting foot cramp from all the pocket warmers
I had stuffed in my boots the only real problem I had was my ears which I
pressed hand warmers against when I could. She just sat out there in the
elements, tempting the night to come and take her away.
SCENE 10. EXT.
TOFFEE APPLE
John:
That’s the kind of
strange man your mother told you about
Philiomena:
I wouldn’t mind a
bite of his toffee apple
John:
Hey Declan
Declan:
Yeah
John:
You want this?
Declan:
Yeah
John:
I’ll swap ya
While this conversation is happening
I just finish up a shooting gallery game, put down the gun and turn to rejoin
Mary. How I’m finishing a game when we were literally just walking arm in arm
past the couple 2 seconds ago I don’t know. And who the hell is that girl Mary
is talking to all of a sudden? I don’t know her. She just appeared out of
nowhere, the continuity is all off. Cut, cut, its all wrong, get rid of her and
let us continue walking to the hall of mirrors.
I couldn’t be arsed with proper
miming anymore. I did my award winning bit in the last scene, I don’t think I’m
even in shot anymore, no matter how hard I try. The 3 of us all just did a lot
of pointing, smiling and nodding. It’s such a struggle to try and look like
you’re having a real conversation. I really notice extras on screen since that
day. Next time you watch the episode of Father Ted where they go to the
mainland and Mrs Doyle is in the café fighting with her friend over the bill,
check out the old couple in the background. They are just terrible.
From this spot I could see the screen
and the replays of the takes. The lead girl was way too hot to be from Limerick in the 50’s. There’s an Irish 1950’s look and
there’s a present day Scottish model look. Again I wanted to tell someone but
kept quiet, it was probably too late to change her now.
SCENE 11. EXT. LAST
SCENE
It was around 11pm and there was one
more scene to do. About half of the extras got the early bus home including
Mary who decided to call it a day before risking hypothermia. The last couple
from the mini bus left too without once having been on set, some day they had.
The shot was from the knackers yard
where the young couple were about to get it on. I had my doubts that there was
going to be room for any friends in the scene and I was right. We were way way off
in the background for this one. It was me and some other girl walking from the
throw darts at cards stall to the Pakistani in a sombrero stall. Also leaving
together from this stall were two loud Dublin
lads around my age. One, a northsider, had a bit of a Michael Collins haircut
and the other, a southsider, used to go to Marian College
AD 6:
...and if you guys
could just banana around the carousel over to the far side.
After
he left the Marian
College
Marian College
guy: (taking the piss)
Yeah and then you
pineapple over this way
He
had his hands out to the side, knees bent and was jumping forward two footed
And then papaya to
the side like this
More crab movements. I lost it. The
day was too long and I was too tired and too cold. The papaya bit just pushed
me over the edge. I was becoming hysterical.
We pineappled back and forth to the
Pakistani in a sombrero stall for a few practice shots. Just before the stall we
would pass by the two simple girls with big dopey smiley heads on them, walking
in completely straight lines turning on a dime like some retarded sped up
robots. Then someone shouted for all of us to take off our jackets for the real
shots. Any last bit of enthusiasm I had suddenly died.
The Marian guy wasn’t happy either
and was making some weird noise with the back of his throat
Marian guy:
Niiiii, niiiii, you
just can’t be this cold for this long without repercussions, niiiii, niiiiii, I
definitely have some man flu coming my way tomorrow
Some
AD tried to pick our spirits up
AD 7:
Remember ladies and
gents you’re still having a good time at the fair.
I
tried for one last push to smile and pretend to talk to the girl on my arm.
That’s the magic of
movies, look like you’re having fun
SCENE 12. INT. MINI-VAN
Finally we wrapped it up just after 1am,
got changed, got our pay slips and got in the van. We made over 200 quid for
standing around all day eating and drinking and having a bit of craic. Slightly
pissed that I probably won’t be hearing from Hollywood anytime soon but otherwise can’t complain.
I was first of our group in the van so headed for the back seat but there was
someone already there asleep so I took the seat in front of them. After a few
more people got in I took my jacket off and accidentally hit the knee of the
person asleep behind me
Sleeper:
(sleepily)
ugh... what time is
it?
It
was Mary
Michael Collins
guy:
Around 1, what are
you still doing here?
Mary:
Ah feck sake, what
happened?
She
was angry but you wouldn’t know
Michael Collins:
Did you not leave
with the others?”
Mary:
I was with them
waiting for the bus, I thought we all left together. I don’t know how this
happened, I’m so depressed, I should be home by now.
MC:
Shit one. Here how
much did you get?
Mary:
About £160, what did
you’s get?
MC:
Yeah something like
that
That better have been one good sleep.
We drove through Piccadilly and from
the warmth of the van wondered why the girls in short skirts outside Tiger
Tiger would purposely do that to themselves.
MC:
(reflective)
I’m glad I didn’t go
out tonight. This was better than a night out, I made money instead of spending
money, and on a night out you only get to do things once whereas I got to do
everything 15 times, it was great
SCENE 13. INT. IN
BED THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON
Me:
Niiiiiiiiiiiii
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