Northern reflections

I have a proper Northern lad housemate who does make me laugh with his thoughts on life.

Sitting out the back trying to get a barbeque going but the charcoal wont light

“You could put it down a volcano and it probably wouldn’t light. Fuckin’ shit charcoal. Tell you if I see that J. Sainsbury I’ll fuckin’ kill ‘im, the amount of money I send his way and he’s buying art galleries and all. Don’t mind the art galleries, get the charcoal right first.”

Watching the diving at the Olympics with a cup of tea

“It’s mad how they take like 1.6 seconds to do that (all the flips), I take that long to have a (takes a sip) sip of tea”

Trying to fit a teaspoon into a Schawrz spice jar

“Is that (clink clink) too much to bloody ask?”

On football

“In Middlesbrough if they lose, domestic violence goes up. The wife gets it, the dog gets it, there’s no food on the table, fuck all. If they win: everything’s ok. In Newcastle it’s even worse.”

On airline websites

All I see is oh cheap flights for you, cheap flights for Joe, but its nothing but expensive flights for Joe. Unless you want to take 30 stops to India.

Talking about people taking anything you leave unattended in the front garden

“I had a ton bag of leaves taken on me the other day. Did you see it? I left a ton bag (adding emphasis) with about this much leaves in it out the front and they had it away. Cunts would rob anything. I know what they do, they dry it out, roll it up with some other shit and wait for some white boy looking for skunk, name it someit else like ‘super dooper fucking skunk’ and sell it”

On Cobra

“that Cobra, you know what they say about that don't you? What they put in it, thyladihide or something.”

Oh right, what’s that do?

“Well I don’t know but if you’re a woman it gives you a right bastid lookin kid, dun it. Comes out lookin like that (makes t-rex arms)”

New housemate at the front of the house is leaving her curtains open during the day, anyone walking by can see straight in

“You should tell her not to leave her laptop in the room with her curtains open. Cunts round here have never seen a laptop like that before, they’re still using the Amstrad”

About passing our stinkbag housemate walking down the street

“I seen that geezer walking down the street, Jesus that guy has some issues. The smell just follows him around. Serious fucking stink off him. I don’t know why he bothers; he should just live on the streets. Seriously why would you bother with water and toilets and all when you just smell that bad anyway? Seriously, save yourself the 50 quid and just live on the streets.”