I just watched the film Hoop Dreams there recently for the first time and it made me seriously nostalgic about my basketballing glory days, mainly during school when basketball was everything for a few years. Playing in college for DCU was great craic but not exactly vintage basketball so I jumped at the chance to play with my new college in the annual ghetto ball tournament and hopefully add some silverware to my modest collection. All the dodgiest colleges from the worst parts of East London would be there so when I left for college that day I made sure to have my baggiest jeans on.
My hopes for glory were soon dashed though when most of our players didn’t show up. Waiting for the bus I found this Eastern European guy who can play a bit but his abilities are fairly limited, an Indian guy who can’t play to save his life, and two guys who were competing in this Ironman tournament in the same gym but could help build up the numbers on the basketball team if needed. One was a white guy who came to basketball once and it must have been the first time he ever touched a ball, the other was this 50 cent looking beast who had never played in his life either. He saw 3 of his class mates walking by and got them to join the team. They agreed to play only cause it meant they could skip class. They were 3 rude boys and going by how useless our Indian guy was I didn’t hold out much hope for them. We did have one good player who was due to meet us there but I wasn’t so sure. He was a point guard and you could tell he used to be good back in the day from the few times he was bothered taking it to the basket. This wasn’t exactly what hoop dreams were made of so I was not a happy man getting on the bus.
My attitude soon changed though when we went around the corner and picked up a team from another college NewVic. Yeah our college is so poor we have to share the bus.
(HOOP DREAMS)
First thing I noticed was two high towers, one of them was their coach but the other looked like he could take on our whole team by himself. They had a full squad too and even a few good looking girls for support. They certainly put our smokey and the bandits team to shame but at the same time picked up my spirits. I was looking forward to the tournament now even if we were going to get destroyed by teams like these. It only got better when we got to Hackney sports centre and there was a load of massive black guys dunking all over the place. I don’t think I’ve ever been dunked on before, this is going to be great.
(HOOP DREAMS)
Their coach told me that all the best teams were in his side of the tournament though so we won’t get too much of a beating in the first few games.
This fat old white guy called everyone together and gave a big speech about the tournament then. 12 minute running clock for games is seriously short, that changes things, definitely no time for passing to my dud team mates now. He made a big point of saying for everyone to behave themselves as it’s a public place and we’re representing ourselves. He really made it sound like some fights were bound to kick off which was slightly worrying.
(HOOP DREAMS)
He was like the organiser in that 2 on 2 tournament in white men cant jump “now lets get the hell out of here.”
Luckily our point guard showed up so if he did an alright job bringing up the ball we might be ok. We got the gear on, he took my number 7 but I was glad to see we were back in DCU colours. If we have the DCU spirit with us we are capable of anyt....well, they’re nice colours. The shorts are savage though, yoink! Was not glad to see however that 50 cent and the Indian guy didn’t understand the need to wear different numbers in team sport. I told them but 50 wasn’t going to be the one who changes and the Indian guy wasn’t going to be the one who understood what I was saying.
(HOOP DREAMS)
Two feckin dopes: 66.
Game 1 vs Greenwich
Point guard, Eastern European guy, 2 rude boys and I made up the starting 5. I think me and point guard were both thinking that Indian guy and the white Ironman wouldn’t be getting a game unless we were destroying a team or getting destroyed. I had already decided to myself that with a 12 minute running clock I wouldn’t have time to pass to anyone and would just have to do everything myself with a bit of help carrying the ball from point guard.
And I was out of the blocks like an animal: got 3 quick baskets from under the boards catching my own rebounds a few times cause I was a bit rusty. Despite the non-stop calls from my dud team mates to pass the ball I held firm, didn’t pass, and assured them they were crap so I can’t pass to them.
(HOOP DREAMS)
Tell you what though, with 6 points in the first minute the MVP award could be on the cards. They got a basket back, 6-2, shit this is tight, can’t give anything more away.
Then two things happened that changed the game: I got tired and I started passing. For the next 11 minutes we matched each other blow for blow, carry for carry, turnover for turnover, air ball for air ball. Eastern European guy was like a headless chicken and the 3 rude boys we rotated were all absolute shite despite all their talk on the bus about knowing how to play. The match ended 6-2. Officially the lowest scoring game I have ever been involved in, in fact the lowest I have ever witnessed or even heard of.
(HOOP DREAMS)
Bloody hell this is embarrassing. Over on the other court one of the games ended 27-17. The other scores were similar. NewVic weren’t even a patch on Barking or Hackney-last year’s winners. I was hoping we wouldn’t get to the semis now cause either of them would humiliate us. But in the changing room it was a different story: point guard was singing our praises – “to me that game shows that we can play, we only let in one basket which shows we can defend, we scored three times as much as they did which shows we have a lot of ability in the front court. One game down and on that evidence I think we have a good chance to win the title.” Almost everyone agreed.
Game 2 vs B6
Neither of us had a change so it was blue against blue. I think this might have contributed a bit to my joke team mates producing 3 back courts in the match.
(HOOP DREAMS)
I can’t remember the last time I was involved in a game with a single back court call let alone 3. There was one time in a school game (36 minutes) but the ref waved it away cause our court was so small, but 3 in 12 minutes was some achievement, I couldn’t even get mad at them anymore, you just had to laugh. 50 cent came on in this game and had some hustle but it wasn’t enough to prevent us getting a 10-3 beating. I had knackered myself out in the first minute of the first game and was not bouncing back, mainly I just couldn't keep up with Eastern European guy and stop him from running, dribbling, shooting, passing to the shit rude boys, anything, “just stand still and give me the God damn ball!”
Game 3 vs Tower Hamlets
In the last two games I had to tell players on each team where to stand for free throws, inbounds etc (HOOP DREAMS) but the start of the third game was my favourite example of most players not having a breeze what they were doing. I was in the front court for the jump ball, our Eastern European guy won the jump, tipped it to me, I caught it on the turn towards the basket and then everyone else either went the other way or stood still while I strolled to the basket for an uncontested lay-up. Everyone was so confused and this made the ref hesitate thinking it might of been an own-basket but he carried on after a shake of the head.
(HOOP DREAMS)
Shortly after this the Eastern European guy inbounded the ball to the Indian guy who in his keenness to get on the court was standing up instead of sitting on the bench. Yes he passed it from out of bounds to out of bounds futher down the court. But Indian guy was delighted to get a touch and looked very excited about what was going to happen next until the ref came over and took the ball off him and told him to sit down.
(HOOP DREAMS)
This team had an absolute beast of an Eastern European looking guy who we watched dunking on someones head in their first game but they left him on the bench for the first while cause they obviously didn’t see us as a threat. And they were right. The rest of his team were shit but we were even worse and by the time he got on it was already sewn up.
Game 4 vs Waltham Forest College
and the fair shoulders were flying around from Waltham Forest College.
(HOOP DREAMS)
They were absolute dog shit but anytime you got near the key you had a couple of them hurry over and usher you out of play with their shoulders. The ref shirked the responsibility and didn't give a single foul all game so I hung back and contributed absolutely nothing. I wasn't needed anyway cause we had our super sub running the show. We finally gave the Indian guy a run out with 5 minutes to go cause we were so fed up with the rude boys being so useless. In training we only ever played 3 on 3 half court and he didn’t know what to do but once let to run free on the full court he was in his element: chasing down every ball, marking every single player, getting in their face and not giving them a second. Once he got the ball now he didn’t know what to do but on defence he was fantastic. If only we had him on earlier I never would have wasted any energy on D and we would be guaranteed a semi final spot by now. But alas we didn’t have much attacking options and the game ended 6-6 culminating in a potentially dramatic free throw shoot out.
(HOOP DREAMS)
I made the executive decision that I would be our first taker. I missed badly. Their guy swished it. What a sweet sound to crush our hopes of getting to the semi final.
(HOOP DREAMS)
On the bus home point guard went on this brilliant rant to the girl from the sports department about how we could have won it if our coach showed up and if we had one extra player (Speedy Jeff) who has been putting in a couple of good performances in training. I secretly filmed the whole thing but my finger was over the mike so you cant hear anything.
(HOOP DREAMS)
What a pity, it was fucking hilarious. He was also chatting a lot to coach High tower: they knew each other and each others brothers and friends from playing ball over the years and while we were rolling through Hackney we got stuck in traffic cause of road works up ahead. The sun was beaming in the window and High tower started reminiscing about this outdoor court that we could see out the window on the left hand side. Apparently back in the day Kevin Garnett came down to that court and started street balling with the locals. 200 people gathered around to watch. I could picture point guard there taking him to school, turning down offers to join the summer pro league cause that shit might fuck up his game. Garnett was MVP that year. I couldn’t help but dream about next year. If I get fit and we get all the boys back together, if point guard steps up and rolls back the years, if Indian guy learns to speak, if Speedy Jeff runs the break like we know he can, if we get a less annoying Eastern European guy, if 50 cent threatens some of the best players, if the rude boys stay at home - we could mount a serious challenge for the title. In 2013 there is going to be a new name on the festival of sport trophy.
HOOP DREAMS!
