Perks two

The perks

All went to plan, got into everything except fencing without any problems

New York state of mind

Sometimes even though I'm living in the slums, broke as a joke I like to pretend I'm in New York living the dream. After all there are constant reminders all around me. I live in East Ham(pton) on Seventh Avenue. Instead of 56 Seventh Avenue I prefer to say 56 and 7th. And of course we have Central Park right down by college.

All the parks in London are getting pimped out for the Olympics with big screens and live entertainment. Hyde Park had Snow Patrol and Victoria Park is meant to be whopper. Some parks are better than others though. Because I was going home in the daytime I got to check out Central Park in all its glory. It's like something out of Father Ted. I know what will get the crowds in: archery.

The man in black

Absolute struggle to get in for half 9 then was told I was working at a different venue now serving the fencing enthusiasts. Looked at a sign on the wall that said the best staff get a bonus, how would I get the bonus now I'm getting moved away from the team leads who witnessed all my first few days enthusiasm? Unless they rate you on punctuality, which is not my forte. Feck it anyway.

The new bar was only half the size of my old one and by the time I got there everyone was in position and it was so organised it made me sick. Chaos is my number one requirement in the hospitality industry, without it the day drags and nothing funny happens. Everything ran so smoothly and their stock area was way bigger and properly equipped. I looked at the coffee machine, already manned cause word obviously hadn't gotten round about my coffee pouring abilities and my deft touch with lids, and I reminisced about the good old days. When I got on the machine everything ran so smoothly. I'd overhear a customer ordering and would have their drink in front of them before a runner even asked me for it. When Ebony was on tills he'd be like shit man when you're here there's no stress, everything works like clockwork. Everyone else would turn around smiling in agreement. Apart from the geek who I took over from. Now I was Homer leaving the bowling alley for the nuclear power plant.

When I first got in a nordy guy named Peter Mark (seriously) was on wash up. He got me to dry his trays. Riveting. Made worse cause I had to share the job with a very camp Italian guy, so camp that I swore he was a straight French guy. So far this bar was looking shit. The team lead was savage but that was about it, just me and a load of duds and no work to do.

Then the chef, a definite French guy who looked like James earl Jones but had an incomprehensible squeaky accent got me to tidy the walk in fridge. He asked me to rotate the mountain of milk cartons and to get the other guy to help. He asked what is the other guys name and I said I don't know, frenchie? Instantly I realised chef was French and thought I put my foot in it but luckily he laughed.

We stacked the gallon cartons which were wrapped in packs of four in a sort of criss cross brick formation with 20 on each layer. In hindsight we probably stacked them too high cause when we were done someone went in the fridge and a sea of milk cartons poured out onto her feet. Frenchie must have stacked the foundation wrong while my back was turned. We were ordered back in to sort out the mess, and close the bleepin door to keep it cold. Something was different, it was pitch dark this time. From a corner I hear Frenchie say it is vewy difficult to work like this. Quiet Frenchie and open the door, let a bit of light in. From outside: keep it closed, its too hot out here. But the lights not working. Sorry you're just going to have to deal with it. Are you taking the absolute piss. Then someone copped that the fridge was broken so we had to move milk mountain and all the food to the drinks fridge. Around this time the coke guys arrived with two cages full of drinks that "need to be chilled at 4 degrees." Cue mayhem and a very angwy James earl Jones. This is more like it.

Once that mess was sorted out the first fridge started working again, lovely. But after that I had to constantly ask the fair and lovely team lead for something to do. One time she grabbed me and another guy, gave us some bin bags and said to run up to sa3 and get as much sandwiches as possible cause we were running drastically low on anything but smoked salmon sambos. We were in sa1 so I figured it wasn't too far and we'd be back in a jiffy. She'd be so pleased I'm sure. It goes from s1 to s8 with s standing for south. On the other side is n1 through 8. Sa1 and s1 are the same but after that it gets confusing and sa3 was way down at s7. A couple of minutes on the slippy floor dampened my hopes of getting back soon. Sa3 is fridge city, instead of two behind the bar there's like 30, all stacked randomly without touching, like a maze of fridges. It's fairly dark back there and would make a great place for a shoot out like in the end of face-off or heat.

We met the sandwich delivery guys, two of them, and a big eastern European guy who knew his way around the fridges. Cause they never have to deal with the public they all had tattoos and were a bit stranger than most people I'd met so far. They were like the underground guys in the future in sci fi movies. It took bloody ages to get our sambos cause they were just weird and particular about who took their feckin stupid boxes. Eventually we got away from them but had to go outside onto the road around the Excel to get back to s1. First door we tried was locked and the second had a jobsworth volunteer on watch: "but but this is the door the VIPs use." It's ok we're delivering sandwiches.

On the way back we passed some Chinese guy getting interviewed and I got to thinking if I was at a venue showing sports that I wanted to see I could probably get into places and see some people. Took forever to find the door to s1 cause they all look the same from the outside but we eventually delivered the sambos about an hour later.

I went to lunch, sat down to eat alone and then was joined by an old work mate and an old team lead. We had the craic. Naturally she was wondering where her best guy was. I tried to get her to bring me back over to the good side. She'd try her best. When I was leaving I passed by Ebony. He was on his way home a lot earlier than yesterday. He was talkin about going to see a game. What you can get into the games? Yeah just show them your pass man, I been to table tennis, fencing, was meant to go to boxing today. What? You can't let these opportunities pass you by man.

He was right, lose the apron and the hat and I was a man in all black with an official badge around my neck. That has security guy written all over it.

I got back from lunch and had to hide cause they were sending people home. Didn't take her long to get me and I had to leave at 5. Feck it was hard on your feet all day but I could do with the cash.

Took off my apron and hat and went back to my spiritual home by the table tennis. Walked by security looking all official and into the back of the arena. Walked the whole way along one side cause they had someone at the top and bottom of each stair asking you were you were sitting. Ebony said to just find a seat but knowing me I'd sit in some important persons seat and cause a scene. Got to the last set of stairs and tried to look around the side. Some volunteer says do I want to watch, just go upstairs and stand to the side. Success. Four games of table tennis on simultaneously, must be very distracting. Didn't stay too long and decided to go back and clock out then get my phone and check out the boxing.

Forgot that when you clock out you give back your day badge and without that you just have a badge with your face on it that doesn't get you anywhere. Tomorrow will be different, il take my phone into work, hopefully not get searched, offer to leave early if its going and then check out every event, can't wait.

FML

Promoted to number 1 on coffee today and dominated it again before getting demoted to wash up to help the kitchen out. Spent about 5 hours washing steel trays with this ridiculously hot Greek girl. For some reason they decided not to supply any steel wool and were totally confused when I asked about it so it was a rough enough job but we worked it pretty well. I'd fit as much trays as possible into the sink to steep, wash, then she rinses in her sink and puts on the shelf. Switch around every now and then, conversation was flowing, I wiped some suds out of her hair with the armpit of my tshirt, she touched my leg-not that bad a job afterall. She has a boyfriend.

We get a 20 minute lunch break but half of it is spent walking to the staff room and back. When you come out of the food area the whole length of the Excel centre is a nice polished floor that wreaks havoc on my gripless black shoes so you're dying more to just sit down for a minute rather than eat the basic lunch. A flapjack for breakfast and a flapjack and a sambo for lunch seems to be the standard.

Few more hours on coffee after lunch and then the team lead was trying to knock a few of us off around half 6. Said I'd stay and finish my shift til 7 but then a rush came and I got stuck til half 10. Around 9 I got sent into the kitchen again cause our replacements on wash up were struggling.
It was these two computer nerd geeky kind of guys but like a lot of todays geeks one of them, the tall guy, was pretty witty. The little guy was just a dweeb. Their system was all wrong. I was put in charge of getting the dirty trays and scrubbing off the excess while the other two washed and rinsed together in a sink each. The little guy didn't even have a stopper in his sink cause the water was too hot for him. So he was trickling cold water onto burnt on stains and trying to rub them off with his finger tips, he wasn't even using the green scowering pads. Big guy wasn't much better. Theyre pretty young I guess. Everyone is to me though, even the team leads, I'm the oldest person in the whole organisation I'd say.

I've worked every shit job imaginable and have washed more trays than times the little guy has played his xbox. So I took over from him and got the big guy on rinse. Little guy was on scrubbing the excess and boy did he milk it. He just doesn't understand the benefits of steeping, probably didn't know what I was saying cause they say soak more so over here, Greek girl tells me. In no time we were flying through it, big guy kept saying things like you're like Batman, no one has ever done this before. One time I dumped a load of trays in the sink and a load of gunk splashed up and onto the little guys glasses. He said fuck my life. That made my day.

Cycled home and was too knackered to make anything so had some of my housemate Ray's pasta with peas, carrots and sweetcorn mixed with baked beans as a sauce. It was vile. Had it with toast and went to bed, up in 7 hours. Fuck my life.

A confused guy walks into a bar, wonders where all the chocolate is

First day today. Not working near the stadium but at the Excel centre which is this absolute monster of a building, like ten airplane hangers. 8 sports on there including weight lifting, boxing, table tennis, judo. Not really ones I'm interested in but it doesn't matter anyway cause I won't get to see a second of any of them.

Wasn't all that sure that I'd be workin at all cause I missed a training sesh last week and have been getting a lot of vague mails. Cycled down cause its only a 20 min cycle but then I was the only person wearing shorts and a tshirt so hoped to find my way quick to change. Was told I'd be workin at the cadbury kiosk startin at 10 but I had no idea where to go. Was comin up to security and heard a couple of people say they are with the same crowd as me so I figured I'd tail them. Got through security before them and was waiting for them when a guy waiting behind a barrier asks am I with catering. I go yeah. He says are u workin at the bar, fixing the bar or something? I was like sure. Figured I might be working at a bar so went along with him. Was going to say we should wait for the other two but they weren't that far behind so I walked along with harry potter(he was the spit of him). Sound, cause I wouldn't have known where to go.

We were chatting away as he led me through a car park and down a good bit of the length of the Excel and then I noticed the other two weren't behind us. I started to think this is a bit of special treatment gettin a private escort for little old me. So after ten minutes I asked how come he came down just to pick me up. He says wait are u here to fix the bar? I'm like no I'm selling bars or something. Chocolate ones. He goes oh shit I was sent down to meet a guy in a blue tshirt who was coming to fix the bar, you're not him? Nope. Then he legged it back down security just after showing me where I was meant to go. Had a good laugh about that but wished I had of made it the whole way, who knows what would of happened then. Someone would have handed me a tool box and said go on old blue work your magic, fix another bar. Ok everybody stand back.

Went upstairs to get changed into black slacks and shoes and was given a black skull cap and a black apron that goes down to your toes. Looked like darth maul or something. Got told some vague directions of where I was working and eventually found my bar outside the table tennis. Cadbury kiosk was full up so I was one of about 20 people and a bunch of supervisors behind a big long counter serving drinks and snacks. First job was the fridge guy. When someone on till gets an order for a drink the person beside them who gets stuff for them says to me 2 cokes. I get the cokes, hand it to the runner who is an arms length away from the fridge and she gives it to the person on till who gives it to the customer. Didn't take long to feel like a ridiculous surplus to requirements. Then I was the sandwich guy stocking the sandwich counter. Two managers told me how to do this and then as I was putting them in someone on the other side was stocking it too getting in the way.

Then I was the muffin man and the cookie boy replenishing those stocks. By far the hardest part of my day was wrapping the caramel shortcakes without eating one. All day long it was millions of managers tellin me to do something. Next I found my niche as the lid putter on-er. Hard to be politically correct at the coffee machine when there was such a rush. The runners would shout what they want, my man would fill a cup, and I'd put some milk in and stick a lid on. Two blacks and a white, a white and a black, ok no more whites take it back, can someone get me a black. Me and my main man nailed it though, we were the dream team. Ebony and ivory. Pity then that one of the million managers strolled in, pointed at random and told me to move somewhere else.

After lunch I was somewhere between fridge guy and runner. Runner asks me for a coke, I turn towards the fridge but new fridge guy has his back to the fridge, thou shall not get a coke without my permission. I ask him for a coke. He hands it to me, I hand it to the runner. Wasn't as bad as sandwich girl tho, she just stood at the back of the sandwich fridge and pushed a new sandwich through as soon as someone bought one.

From here on I was just some random errand boy filling everyone's fridges, putting lids on things, stomping on the recycling bins, etc, or in other words just generally taking care of business. I was the go to guy though, surprised myself. Ended up doing a 12 and a half hour shift, haven't done one of those in a while. Good buzz all round tho and the table tennis sounded like great craic. Hopefully sneak a peak tomorrow.

Draping course

Have been getting my late night Thursday tailoring on in the fashion department the last few weeks and last week the teacher there told us about this draping course she’s running for the next two Tuesdays and Thursdays. 3 hours a night. This is crunch time and I could really do with all the time I can get to finish my college work on time but fuck it I’ll be a rebel and do a fashion course.

 Had no idea what draping was but figured I might as well do it. I drew some pictures of pictures of dresses in the fashion department and found it fairly relaxing. One day maybe I’ll be able to draw actual dresses instead of pictures of them.

Don’t really know what went on in the class altogether. We had pencils and paper and picked an object out of a box, mine was a miniature bust with a dress over it. Good so far. But then we wrapped cloth around the object and drew the bundle of cloth instead. First a normal drawing, then one with your weak hand, then one without lifting the pencil, then one with a blindfold on, another using a pencil and a coloured pencil at the same time. Then we drew the picture through the medium of masking tape, the medium of magazine cut outs, and finally with tissue paper and markers. Apparently it will make some sort of sense on Thursday. I still have no idea what draping is. Blind sketch.

Refresher

cycled into Savile Row for the first time, took about an hour and then another ten minutes to find somewhere to lock my bike. If I do ever work there I’d probably need to join a gym nearby for a shower cause it’s the only way to travel. Screw the bus and screw the tube. Got a pattern for my own waistcoat and watched the making of a waistcoat from start to finish. Was a great refresher cause theres a lot from the first part of making it that I cant remember at all. Saw plenty of ways to make the whole process easier though so I just might finish mine on time.

The big clean

My turn to clean the house this week. Not much going on in the way of cleaning products